


No Homo

by baelinwhitethorn



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Humor, M/M, almost cracky?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-22
Updated: 2016-05-22
Packaged: 2018-06-10 03:14:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6937354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baelinwhitethorn/pseuds/baelinwhitethorn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He couldn't even use the “we could be killed” excuse anymore because that had lost its pizazz when the Supreme Court had declared it for them to be able to get married, which was totally unfair when Steve was left blue balled by it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Homo

**Author's Note:**

> You might overdose from the amount of crack in this.

Steve stared dejectedly at his food. Bucky sat in front of him, eating chicken Alfredo faster than he could strangle someone with that metal arm of his (terrifyingly fast that is).   
“What's up?” Bucky asked, somehow having managed to get Alfredo sauce on his forehead.   
“Do you remember anything more today?” Steve asked, and Bucky rolled his eyes.   
“I'm not going to tell you everything until you tell me everything,” Bucky said. His eyes silently added, _including the queer thing._   
Okay, he knew that Bucky knew that they had always extended their relationship beyond what was normal, but he didn't want to announce it. Because he had manners. And because he didn't want to be embarrassed by the Winter Soldier. He couldn't even use the “we could be killed” excuse anymore because that had lost its pizazz when the Supreme Court had declared it for them to be able to get married, which was totally unfair when Steve was left blue balled by it.   
“I've told you everything,” he lied once more, and Bucky rolled his eyes. He smirked, and Steve decided if he were going to ever lick someone’s abs, it would probably be Bucky’s.   
He casually pulled a slice of phallic shaped bread and put it in his mouth. Steve pushed it down so that Bucky was choking, which would have made normal guys punch someone whereas Bucky just winked and pulled it out.

***

“Buck?” Steve asked, glancing up when his roommate was laying in his bed.   
“Yes, roomy?” he said. “I read on Out magazine that ‘bros’ can totally sleep together now.”   
“You're not my bro,” Steve growled.  
“Are you saying that we fought in a war together and you don't consider me a bro?”   
“Not what I mean!”   
Bucky only grinned.

***

Steve awoke to Bucky screaming.   
His body moved forward before his mind thought of it. Only briefly did he think he was wearing just boxers, which he really should've thought about knowing his friend.   
“Bucky,” he whispered gently. Bucky was on his own bed, crying. Steve pulled him into his arms, and Bucky rested his head on Steve’s shoulder. It used to be Steve when he was having an asthma attack that he would lay like this, Bucky sobbing and praying audibly. Bucky never believed in God until Steve was hurt.   
Bucky pulled him closer, and they stayed like that.   
“What happened?” Steve asked.   
“I-It was a dream about Hydra,” Bucky whimpered, and Steve wanted to hurt every agent of Hydra in that moment. Steve had never been a violent man, he'd always been the one hurting violent men. When it came to Bucky, though, he'd be anything.   
“Buck,” he whispered miserably. “I wish there was something I could do.”   
“You could a make out with me,” Bucky teased, and Steve jumped off of him.   
“Gosh darnit, James Buchanan Barnes.”  
“Strong language!” Bucky gasped.   
“You can't lie about something like that!”   
“I'd lie about anything to get you in my bed, soldier,” Bucky winked. Dammit. He knew how bad it hit Steve when he called him soldier like that.   
“You remember,” Steve accused.   
“Remember what, Stevie?”   
Steve groaned.

***

It all went to Hell when Bucky learned the phrase “no homo.”   
It started when one day Steve was drinking a glass of coffee in front of the coffee pot. Enter Bucky Barnes, wearing only Captain America boxers. His best friend casually moved behind him, reaching up to grab a plate from the cabinet. Bucky moved his head onto Steve’s shoulder, and Steve almost believed he would give it up. Then he said, “No homo.”   
“What?” Steve replied lazily, leaning back onto Bucky instinctually.   
“No homo,” Bucky said. “Since we’re just friends.”  
“Right,” Steve said.  
“That's as far as I can remember at least,” Bucky told him, breathing into his ear. God, this reminded him of a time during the war. Wait. He was using the whole memory thing to spite him. Well, that was totally going to work on him.   
“Right,” Steve told him, grabbing a Popsicle.   
“The Captain America one is delicious,” Bucky told him.   
“I know, I've tasted it,” Steve said.   
“No homo, of course.”  
“No homo.”

***

Bucky’s hand landed expertly on his hindquarters, “No homo.”  
“How is that no homo?”   
“A man can't spank his friend’s butt when he successfully opens a jar of pickles?”

***

Steve sighed. It was the end of the day after a particularly bad battle, and he was ready to unwind. Grabbing some lavender bath wash (no homo), he glanced at the bathtub where Bucky was already lying. No bubbles. Just naked.   
“What the hell, Bucky?” Steve snapped, moving away from the tub and trying not to look down.   
“Who the Hell is Bucky?” He asked, flipping through some romance novel casually.   
“You can't do this again!” Steve whined. “This is so unfair.”  
Bucky winked at him. “No homo, then. Soldier.”

***

Steve decided he was going to turn the tables.   
Bucky was in the shower, and he was ready. Now he was going to be the one that was not a homo.   
Striding forward confidently, pulling off his clothes, Steve was ready for Bucky to admit his gay feelings.   
Looking at the body inside to make sure it was him, Steve jumped inside. And it wasn't him.   
“What the Hell?” Sam yelled.   
“No homo!” Steve tried. “No homo!” His keen use of newfangled homophobia didn't seem to be working.   
“Steve you can't do that! That's not cool in this century!”   
“What's all the yelling about?” a new voice screamed, and Bucky was in the bathroom. He saw them, eyes wide, and he actually looked upset. Like it was Steve’s fault that he jumped into the shower to tease Bucky.  
“What the Hell, Steve?” Bucky asked.   
“Why does everyone keep saying that?”   
“He means to say, ‘No homo’,” Bucky said. His voice sounded almost jealous as he continued. “Right? There's no homosexuality going on right now?”   
“Steve seems to think so!”   
“Oh my stars,” Steve groaned.   
“I don't want to think about your stars, Rogers!”   
Steve grabbed the nearest towel, wrapping it around himself. Then he hauled ass.   
Bucky followed closely behind, and he realized that he was wearing a Winter Soldier towel. Oh, his poor little stars.   
“What was that about?” Bucky snapped. “I thought we were together?”   
“Ha!” Steve yelled.   
“Nuh uh, don't think you can get out of this. I knew that you knew that I knew that we were together, so you're not getting out of jumping into shower with another man.”  
“I didn't know it was Sam!”   
“Oh, yeah, because we look exactly the same.”  
“It's not clear glass!”   
“Excuses!”  
“I was going to jump in, say ‘no homo’ and get out.”   
“I heard you say ‘no homo.’ And lemme tell you, I was upset. That's our thing, Mr. Did you call him soldier too?”   
“Oh my god, I'm not answering that.”   
Bucky gasped. “You're worse than Hydra!”   
Steve stared at him. “ _You’re_ over dramatic!”  
Bucky put his hand to his heart, tearing up. “I am not over dramatic. You are.”   
“Hit me where it hurts,” Steve said.   
“If I did that, you'd be dead by now!”   
“I love you,” Steve yelled.   
“I love you too,” Bucky screamed back.   
“Yes homo,” Steve told him, snatching him in his arms.   
Bucky kissed him forcefully before saying, “You could've just said that.”   
Steve glanced at him, “No, I like this better.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! If you leave a kudos, yes homo to you


End file.
